It’s a bit like torture.

When people come to my hypnotherapy practise in Haverhill, I find a lot of the time that the issue isn’t the issue. What I mean by that is that they come to me for and say anxiety, but they don’t know what set it off, or they blame the wrong event, anxiety is a mixture of emotions and it’s when those emotions all get together that you start to suffer. So when people come to see me, we always talk first, and I do this for two reasons. firstly, by talking I can begin to understand what the client is feeling, I can build up trust and make notes on what they say and how they feel it’s affecting them. However more importantly, is that by talking about their issues and how it’s affecting them I know that the subconscious is listening, and it is the subconscious that needs to make the changes.

So why have I said it’s a bit like torture? Well, if you think of your mind like a bucket under a dripping tap, and over the years, even when you small child, all the things that you have ever seen, heard, smelt, and felt are all stored  in your subconscious mind. All the happy memories, all the good times, times when you laughed, times when you felt happy on the inside and on the outside. Times when you may have heard a certain song, and if you were to hear that song today you go straight back to when that melody got into your head. Certain smells may transport you back to perhaps your grandparents house, something like a real fire burning or in my case A paraffin heater. At this time of year if I go out for a walk and I see some conkers on the floor, it brings a smile to my face because at the end of my street that I was brought up on were some huge conker trees, and me and my mates which stand there for ages throwing sticks as high as we could to get the biggest conkers down. For me they were great days and those memories will forever stay in my head. However our subconscious doesn’t only store the good stuff, all the bad stuff is in there too, The insults, The putdowns, the bullying, the injustices, the guilt, the grief every bit of negativity that we have had said to us or we have put on ourselves is stored in our subconscious. So that bucket under the dripping tap has been filling up bit by bit and then one day out of the blue something happens, that makes that bucket overflow, and it all comes out.  

Our mind is like a dripping tap

Now, that thing that made that bucket overflow could be something really simple, on its own not a problem at all, but because it was the straw that broke the camel’s back you focus on that as the problem that you come to see me with. And if you don’t go and see somebody, you end up focusing on the wrong problem for the cause of your anxiety. Think about it you are at home and your child accidentally drops a plate or a glass, and because your mind (your bucket) is full of unwanted thoughts and memories You overreact. You start shouting at the child, you angrily try to pick up the pieces of the broken glass or crockery and you may cut yourself so you shout more at the child As that plate or glass hit the floor that was the drip that made your bucket overflow.  

Now you are annoyed, now you are angry, the child is upset crying perhaps hiding away from you and because they are crying and making irritating sounds you get even more annoyed. So the cycle begins, you blame the child for your anxiety , you blame the child because you cut your finger, you blame your child for ruining your day she blamed the child for everything, but hang on that’s not right.

Just one drip can make us overreact

Let’s take a step back, let’s look at the situation but from a Birds Eye view.

There you are resting on the sofa, you just been speaking to work and you’re a bit stressed, your daughter senses that mum is a bit stressed, she wants to help, she notices the washing up on the side so while mum is resting she decides to do the washing up, she can’t quite reach the sink but she does her best, she washes the plates, the pans and she is reaching into the Sink And with her soapy slippery hands she picks up the last glass, but as she lifts it up it slides out of her hands and on to the floor. You go running into the kitchen, you see the broken glass, you see the water on the floor, and you shout you lose it. You shout at your daughter you become angry, you become irrational, you’re annoyed and you pick up the glass from the floor and as you do you cut yourself, in your eyes that’s your daughters fault as well. Now look at the scene your daughter is crying and looking scared, you’re angry and bleeding from the cut on your hand, and you feel the anxiety rising in your body.

When the issue isn’t the issue

So let’s look at the facts, your daughter sensed the stress and she wanted to do something nice for you, she wanted to give you one less thing to have to worry about, so she decided to do the washing up. It was a lovely gesture because she didn’t want to see mummy stressed. She did her best, and through no fault of her own she accidentally dropped a glass, actually she didn’t drop it, it slipped, slipped from her soapy hands because she was trying to do something nice for you. You were stressed on the sofa, you heard the glass break and before you assessed the situation you got angry, you overreacted, you lost it. Whereas what you should have done is comforted your daughter, make sure she was okay, after all to please you she had pulled a chair up to the sink, she put her hands in hot soapy water, there might have been some sharp knives in there, she didn’t care, she wanted to make life easier for you, when that glass slipped out of her hand she obviously became very upset, and had you not overreacted you would have notice that.

That incident is not the cause of your outburst, that incident was just the straw that broke the camels back. Perhaps the call from work started that bucket to overflow, perhaps it was the fact that you stubbed your toe this morning and it put you in a bad mood, or perhaps it was because when you came down this morning the cat had been sick and you had to clean it up. But you lost it, you overreacted to something that was being done to help you.

Now you know what was really going on, take a deep breath, relax and now what would you do?

How many of you can relate to this?

It’s so common, Hypnotherapy can help. We can release some of that clutter, imaging having a valve that you can open at any time. We can change the past but we can change the way it affects us.

If you would like to know more about hypnotherapy contact me, and if I can’t help you I have a network of other therapists that can.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It’s actually a sign of strength.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next week, or possibly the week after 

Have a great week or two.

Take care and stay safe.

Jon X

Hypnotherapy in Suffolk, Essex and Cambridge. and online via Zoom

Jon Adkin Author of ‘Can I Change?’ Available from Amazon. and 100 days in isolation. A collection of funny original images of one mans decent into comic madness during lockdown

Find me on You TubeFacebook and Instagram.

Don’t let your thoughts ruin your Christmas.

Hi. Welcome back to my last post of 2019. What a year it’s been. Ups and downs and a few surprises thrown in. However with all that I survived mine and you survived yours if you are reading this. so well done. The good bits hold in your heart the bad bits let them go. if you made mistakes, learn from them. if they weren’t your problem then don’t worry about it and just move on.

For my last blog I want to conclude my posts on  self confidence.

I am a great believer in positive thinking and self belief and daily affirmations have helped me so much. Remember what we say to ourselves we believe, our mind believes so think positive and you will stay positive.

Here are some quotes and affirmations that I would like to share with you for Christmas.

Self-Confidence Quotes

One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation.

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Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.

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Don’t let others put thoughts into your mind that takes away your self-confidence.
To excel at the highest level – or any level,

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you need to believe in yourself,

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Always be yourself and have faith in yourself.

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Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

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Just believe in yourself. Even if you don’t, pretend that you do and, at some point, you will.

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Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.

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Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.

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As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.

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Confidence is when you believe in yourself and your abilities, arrogance is when you think you are better than others and act accordingly.

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The most beautiful thing you can wear is confidence .

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Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?

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To establish true self-esteem we must concentrate on our successes and forget about the failures and the negatives in our lives.

Daily Affirmations

I believe in me.

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I’m getting stronger every day.

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I can do this.

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I am who I want to be

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I know my worth

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I’ve decided I’m good enough.

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I have the strength to change my story.

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I deserve to be happy and loved.

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I accept myself unconditionally.

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I love myself, and I accept myself as I am.

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I am confident.

When you get up in the morning choose an affirmation and smile at yourself in the mirror and say it to yourself. It’s a simple and powerful way to start your day.

Merry Christmas and I sincerely wish you all the very best for 2020.

See you in January. Have a good one.

Jon XX

These last few posts have been taken from my book ‘Can I Change?‘ Available from Amazon .It makes an ideal stocking filler.

 

Swipe left, Swipe right, ignore the world.

Hi

this week, I’m going to go off track, the reason this is that yesterday I went down London for the day And I could not believe how many people were walking around looking at their phones, they had their headphones on bumping into people stepping out in front of cars and not acknowledging the world around them.

Today Thursday the 10th of October is world mental health day And I am convinced that so many people now are living their life through their phones and their tablets. I spent some time yesterday people watching,  and in that time I don’t think anybody smiled at each other acknowledged each other or even looked around them to see even where they were.

Life is not about swiping left and swiping right life is not about apps that can make your life easier, life is for living.

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At one point I was walking down Regent Street the shop windows looked fabulous as always a lot of time and effort have been put into making them look that good, And I did not notice one person stop and appreciate all the hard work that gone in to making those shops look so fabulous. I also at one point stopped for coffee and again I sat there and people watched. I watched people walking to the shop on their Phone they sat down, still looking at their phones they ordered their coffee hardly taking their eyes off the screen, People were sitting in groups of three and four not talking to each other or perhaps they were but via text. Modern technology is killing social interaction. I saw families not talking to each other I saw groups of friends who weren’t talking to each other, I witnessed two people taking pictures of their biscuits. Has it really come to this that we know what biscuit you’re having with a coffee, that when we have a day out with friends, we don’t talk to her friend we just send pictures and text too other people. I wonder how many single people for walking down the road yesterday and had they just lifted the head from their Phones, They may have just seem the love of their life. No filters, no pouting, a real human being in the flesh.

How many of us walk around our hometown and not appreciated the architecture. how many of us are rude unintended of course bur still rude,  to people who work in shops and are trying to serve us and yet we do not end that Phone call. Is the call really that important?

In Oxford Street one of the busiest streets in the world I saw people walking into oncoming traffic, I saw people walking into lamp post into bins, all because they wouldn’t take their eyes off the screen for a moment. Even going down into the underground last night crowd of people were unaware of their surroundings and the danger they put others in had they have lost their footing on their steps or the escalator.

Now I am no Angel, I used to do the same, I could have people talking to me and if my Phone buzzed in my pocket, I would take it out and look at it mid conversation.  I have a good friend that pointed out to me that I always did this, yet I still did it.  It’s only now that I realise just how rude it is,

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Children are forgetting how to interact with others, you see toddlers in pushchairs with tablets in their hands and usually the young mum on her Phone as she pushes the child through perhaps a  colorful engaging park, Not pointing out the different trees not pointing out the wildlife that surrounds them,  Parents interact with your children, Share your knowledge, don’t leave up to Peppa pig or Google.

Via social media we talk to strangers every day. When was the last time you smiled at a real stranger, or said hi as you walked past? You do it on your phones why not do it in real life. You never know you just might make someone’s day.

Going back to the coffee shop yesterday, sat in the corner was a lady with a wonderful shade of blue hair It looked fantastic. She was of course on her phone; I presume playing games as her fingers were swiping all over the place and she looked bored. I made a point of approaching her as I was leaving and told her that I loved the colour of her hair and how good it looked on her. (No I was not hitting on her, I didn’t leave her my number) I just paid her a compliment and left, but as I looked back that young lady had the biggest smile on her face.

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So are you up for a challenge? I want as many of you as possible to leave your phone alone for at least one hour each day. I don’t mean when you are working, I mean leisure time, commuting time, down time. Talk to your friends, your family especially your children. Look around and I mean really look around. See what delights there are on your travels.

I do it now and I feel so much better for. It’s a small ask but it’s one that can make a major impact on your life.

Step out from behind the filters. No one really wants to see a picture of your lunch.

As I said in the beginning, life is for living. So live it.

Rant over.

Normal service will be resumed soon. Hopefully.

Until next time

Jon xx

 

Jon Adkin BAHyp Hypnotherapist.

www.jonadkin.com

Are you Mr or Mrs Angry?

Hi.

In my hypnotherapy practice I have recently seen a big increase with clients visiting me saying they can’t contain their anger and frustration.  The good thing is that they are contacting me and are wanting to do something about it. but why is this happening now?

Could it be Brexit. Could it be extra worry about what’s happening to our country. or is it just life in general?

Anger itself isn’t a problem — it’s how you handle it. Consider the nature of anger, as well as how to manage anger and what to do when you’re confronted by someone whose anger is out of control.

What is anger?

Anger is a natural response to perceived threats. It causes your body to release adrenaline, your muscles to tighten, and your heart rate and blood pressure to increase. Your senses might feel more acute and your face and hands flushed.

However, anger becomes a problem only when you don’t manage it in a healthy way.

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So it’s not ‘bad’ to feel angry?

Being angry isn’t always a bad thing. Being angry can help you share your concerns. It can prevent others from walking all over you. It can motivate you to do something positive. The key is managing your anger in a healthy way.

What causes people to get angry?

There are many common triggers for anger, such as losing your patience, feeling as if your opinion or efforts aren’t appreciated, and injustice. Other causes of anger include memories of traumatic or enraging events and worrying about personal problems.

You also have unique anger triggers, based on what you were taught to expect from yourself, others and the world around you. Your personal history feeds your reactions to anger, too. For example, if you weren’t taught how to express anger appropriately, your frustrations might simmer and make you miserable, or build up until you explode in an angry outburst.

Inherited tendencies, brain chemistry or underlying medical conditions also play a role in your tendency toward angry outburst.

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What’s the best way to handle anger?

When you’re angry, you can deal with your feelings through:

  • Expression. This is the act of conveying your anger. Expression ranges from a reasonable, rational discussion to a violent outburst.
  • Suppression. This is an attempt to hold in your anger and possibly convert it into more constructive behavior. Suppressing anger, however, can cause you to turn your anger inward on yourself or express your anger through passive-aggressive behavior.
  • Calming down. This is when you control your outward behavior and your internal responses by calming yourself and letting your feelings subside.

Ideally, you’ll choose constructive expression — stating your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.

Can anger harm your health?

Some research suggests that inappropriately expressing anger — such as keeping anger pent up — can be harmful to your health. Suppressing anger appears to make chronic pain worse, while expressing anger reduces pain.

There’s also evidence that anger and hostility is linked with heart disease, high blood pressure, peptic ulcers and stroke.

When is professional help needed?

Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret, hurts those around you or is taking a toll on your personal relationships.

How does hypnotherapy help with anger?

Feeling angry now and then is a normal part of life. Usually, anger is a result of feeling frustrated, insulted, deceived or even under attack. For many, anger is a natural reaction that passes quickly. In some instances, however, it can become a difficult emotion to control.

Failing to manage anger effectively can lead to mental and physical health problems. You may find your anger management issues are affecting your relationships, your work or even your self-esteem.

Hypnotherapy can help those with anger management problems in several ways. The initial aim of the hypnotherapist will be to understand the root cause of your anger.

As previously mentioned, anger management problems often stem from past experiences. These experiences can shape your behaviour and belief system. So, while you may think another person or situation is causing your anger, it may well come from yourself. Once this is understood, your hypnotherapist can begin work changing this.

To do so, your hypnotherapist will work on a conscious and unconscious level to help change your negative thought processes. Doing this may involve relaxation techniques and suggestions from your hypnotherapist to help control your anger.

The hope is that this will change your reaction to anger triggers. Instead of feeling overwhelmed and angry, you should feel calmer and more relaxed. Feeling calmer in stressful situations helps you to think more clearly so you can react in a more appropriate way.

Anger management hypnotherapy can also help with some of the symptoms of anger. For example, if you are suffering from anxiety, stress or depression, hypnotherapy can be helpful.

The number of anger management hypnotherapy sessions you’ll need will depend on your individual circumstances. It is likely that your hypnotherapist will teach you some self-hypnosis techniques and relaxation tips. You can use these at home when you feel angry or stressed to help you control your anger in the long-term.

How to deal with anger – self-help tips

If you have decided to seek professional help for your anger management problem, there are several things you can do in tandem to help regain control. The following tips can help you control your anger and express it in a healthy way.

Get to know your triggers

Understanding what situations make you feel angry is key. By recognising when you are likely to feel angry, you can be prepared. To do this, start taking notes when you feel angry. Try to note the following:

  • What was the situation?
  • Was there another person involved?
  • What did they say/do to make you feel angry?
  • How did you feel at the time?
  • How did you behave?
  • How did you feel after the incident?

After a while, you should start to notice some patterns emerging. Perhaps you get angry when you feel belittled, or maybe you feel angrier after the situation because you couldn’t express yourself at the time.

Talk through your notes with your hypnotherapist, as this can help them work with you to understand the underlying reason behind your anger. Just recognising these patterns can be an enormous help.

Give yourself some time

A simple way to help you manage your anger when a trigger situation arises is to give yourself some time before you react. This allows you to really think about how you react, rather than reacting instinctively. Try the following suggestions to see if they help:

  • Take some deep breaths – breathing out for longer than you breathe in can help to calm you.
  • Count to 10 – a simple act that can give you enough time to calm yourself before you react.
  • Do something else – instead of reacting, try to distract yourself by doing something else. If you can, try to channel that energy into something creative.
  • Listen to calming music/sounds – create a calming playlist and listen to it when you start to feel angry.

Try a few different distraction techniques and see what works best for you. Again, this is something you can discuss with your hypnotherapist as they may have some alternative suggestions.

Don’t bottle it up. Don’t aim it at the wrong people. control it.  If you’re local let me help. Don’t let anger rule and ruin your life and the lives of those around you. Your children will act like you and copy your reactions, and sometimes they don’t have the understanding in how to control it.

Until next time.

Jon